I Don’t Like Dogs: A Rant

How has this unmannered, anti-hygienic contingent of the population known as DOG LOVERS managed to do such a number on everyone? I want to know. Sidewalks dripping with urine, trails terrorized by sprinting hunks of teeth and fur, apartment buildings torture chambers of constant. fucking. barking., stores littered with warm feces — and still, even those permanently disabled by dog attack tremble to whisper the words: I don’t like dogs.

This whole phenomenon should be studiously examined as it is really a fucking master class in psychological manipulation. Dog owners have made walking terrifying. They have made sleeping unlikely. They have turned public walkways into private utilities. They have rendered entire streets untraversable. Public parks miserable. Beaches execrable.

While they roam obliviously through the world, ten feet behind their unhinged “companion animal,” having decided certain discomfort and potential trauma for all a totally reasonable tradeoff for Freddy’s extra bit of freedom. Daring to be angry if you voice the slightest discomfort. Always with the sing-songy, vaguely threatening tone of passive aggressiveness come to life. Oh no! Molly is being friendly! Oh no! Brody is in training! Oh no! Ollie just looooves playing! Oh no! Teddy only bites when he’s nervous! Why did you make Teddy nervous? Oh no! Bentley never beheaded a chipmunk before!

The solipsistic, sadistic intonations of a people who seem always half asleep and half ready to shit on your shoes themselves. Are they human? Are they real? Are they part dog? How else do you live in a constant panorama of chewing, slobbering, sniffing, reeking, retching, defecating, jumping, nipping, pulling, whining, scraping, shaking, begging undulations? Do they have no survival instincts left? No life-saving, evolutionarily-selected-for, most holy “ew” factor?

And yet they have so fully displaced any stigma onto those who merely try to stay out of their way — unfeeling scrooges that we are, apparently having woken up one day with an irrational grudge against life (which is synonymous with barking). Surely a pathological lack of floofy chonky pupperino do a cuddle feelings — and oh you’re a very bad, most untrustworthy person, just like Bailey tried to warn me! Yes, this thing currently humping my leg is a deep reader of souls.

And no, you are not an extra special totally unobtrusive #not-like-the-others-dog-owner. No apartment building in the world comfortably accommodates dogs. You are annoying someone. Constantly. No one save the similarly demented wants to walk over urine-saturated or poop-crumbed ground. No one wants to hear your dog’s nails hammering overhead. No one cares if it barked for a justified or unjustified reason. It is all fucking barking and we hate you. Also, your dog is fucking miserable and it shows.

No one for miles? Good for you! Feel great that while we live through an ecological catastrophe of epic proportions, you have prioritized maintaining a wholly unnecessary and enormously consumptive species for decorative purposes. Still affects the rest of us in the end. Your dog assuredly disrupts the natural cycles of all wildlife in your environs. Of course you don’t see it: that’s the fucking point. Its feces still end up in waterways. And you are still a living link in the verminous chains of dog culture, whatever you claim.

And unless you are one of the like five remaining small farmers in the world, don’t even think of bringing up food production to rationalize the existence of your pet.  Fuck you.

We, the still sane people of the world, are done.

Being only still marginally sane, I may be mistaken, but this exponential growth in the cult of the dog seems bound to topple. At some point humanity will rise from its slumber, assess its surroundings, and start screaming THIS IS FUCKING DISGUSTING, just as I’ve been saying.

And then you, dog owners of the world, will become a stigmatized minority, exactly as nature and reason intended. You should be trembling in your dog-shit-crusted shoes, because here’s what the non-dog sector has planned:

Peace, quiet, and long, uninterrupted walks for everyone. Yes, the evil dog haters of the world are growing in number and our reign will be long and fierce.

𝖠𝗇𝖽 𝗏𝖾𝗋𝗒, 𝗏𝖾𝗋𝗒 𝗊𝗎𝗂𝖾𝗍.

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